A Letter to Uncle Sam's Mistress: Unbridled Courage in the Face of Unspeakable Loss

2/9/2015

I've been blogging for a while now - since January, 2011. It's hard to believe it's been that long, but it has. I've shared my struggles and my victories and I have been gladdened to see that by sharing my struggles, I've made a positive impact in the lives of my fellow service-members and in the lives of the ones who love them.

Over the course of those years, I've gotten to know quite a few bloggers sharing similar stories. One, in particular, has always had a deep impact on me: Living with PTSD & TBI. The author, Uncle Sam's Mistress has a talent for clearly and emotionally depicting how difficult life is for someone deeply in love with a veteran with PTSD.

Over the past few years, we've gotten to know each other tangentially through our respective blogs and through Facebook - sharing posts, insight and a kind word.

I began to grow concerned that I hadn't seen a blog post from her in a while, as I know my readers have been for me these past few months. One of my greatest regrets is that I couldn't see past my own challenges to check to make sure everything was OK.

When she posted her latest blog post, From A Stigma to A Statistic, I sobbed. I sobbed for the loss of her husband, I sobbed because of the profound and heartfelt pain she expressed through her words, and I sobbed because PTSD had taken another veteran too early. I did my best to let her know through comments how deeply distressed I was for her loss, but don't think I ever found the right words.

So that's why I'm writing this tonight.

Here Goes...

Dear Uncle Sam's Mistress,
I've been reading your blog for a long time and I've always admired the heart and humanity you pour into your posts. When I read your latest blog post, the depth of the devastation that PTSD has brought into your life hit me like I had been punched in the gut.

Words cannot convey how deeply sorry I am for the loss of your husband. You captured the stress, fear, despair, and heartbreak so poignantly. I shared your post on Facebook and found out later that my mom had read your words and she started crying immediately. We could barely talk about it because it strikes so close to home. She knows how close I've gotten on a few occasions in the years since I came home and the thought of what you are going through breaks her heart.

What your family has gone through has been constantly on my mind since I read your post. It's caused me to take stock of my life and how I am doing. It made me realize that I wasn't doing as well as I would hope.

And I don't think I would have seen it as clearly if it wasn't for your latest blog post. I have struggled mightily the past few months, despite recognizing how poorly I was handling my separation and divorce from my wife. In the past, whenever I have gotten to the point where I was able to acknowledge that I am struggling, I have been able to somehow find the strength to reclaim what I had given up to my PTSD.

This time was different. Until I read your blog post, I didn't realize that I hadn't improved. Things hadn't gotten worse, but they hadn't improved either.

That realization scared me to death.

Because of you, because of your unbridled courage in sharing your story, I've turned a corner. I've started to push back against the darkness. It made me realize that one of my strengths has always been in telling my story the way you tell yours: unflinchingly, with courage and fortitude.

From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU. Thank you for reminding me how important it is to tell my story. Thank you for reminding me that I have the courage to live for myself. Thank you for having always had a kind word when you could tell I was struggling. Thank you for letting all of us into your life.

It may be small comfort, but I wanted you to know that I am here for you. All you have to do is ask. Message me on Facebook. Reach out through my website. You've given thousands of readers the strength to carry on - now it's our turn lend you ours.

God Bless You and Your Family.

In Grief and Solidarity,

Max Harris, Combat Veterans with PTSD

To One in Sorrow by Grace Noll Crowell
Let me come in where you are weeping, friend,
And let me take your hand.
I, who have known a sorrow such as yours,
Can understand.

Let me come in -- I would be very still
Beside you in your grief;
I would not bid you cease your weeping, friend,
Tears can bring relief.

Let me come in -- I would only breathe a prayer,
And hold your hand,
For I have known a sorrow such as yours,
And understand.

To my family, friends, fellow bloggers, and faithful readers, I ask the following: Show your solidarity. Write your name (or pseudonym) in the comments along with a kind word. Just a moment of your time would mean so much.

Leona Harris

2/9/2015 03:36:44 pm

You're in my prayers, Max...

Max Harris link

2/13/2015 03:09:06 pm

Thanks, Leona! Still hard to believe I've been blogging this long!

Kelly Henry

2/13/2015 06:46:06 am

God Bless you also Max! Thank you for returning the portion of love & encouragement you received from her. Thank you both for sharing your grief. Please keep telling your stories, we also want to hear your victories and love the opportunity to cheer you on!

2/13/2015 03:10:22 pm

Kelly,
Thank you for your kind words. We're a family. If we don't rally around each other when we're needed most, who will?

Melinda Borrell

2/13/2015 09:38:00 am

I am so tired of these endless wars and the endless tolls they take on so many people. There is so little sense to it all, which makes it hard to find peace, but I hope that you will find some way to turn grief into life renewed.

2/13/2015 03:10:57 pm

Thanks, Melinda. I work at it every day.

Tammy Biggers

2/13/2015 10:05:03 am

God Bless you Max. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I want you to know that I know Uncle Sam's Mistress she has helped me with my husband and so many others as you know. Please know when she reads your response it will bring such joy to her. Also know that I am here if you need anything.

2/13/2015 03:13:38 pm

Thank you, Tammy. I recently heard from her and you were absolutely right. I'll be honest, I had reservations about posting this at all - I was deeply concerned that readers would view the post as self-serving, rather than what it is...A deep and abiding respect for a wonderful and compassionate woman who needs our support more now than ever.

Michael Simester

2/13/2015 10:23:14 am

This, along with the original post from Uncle Sam's Mistress are more important than most will ever know. This was the first time that the tragedy of service-member suicide touched our home personally. My wife knows Uncle Sam's Mistress as well. I hope that she finds some comfort knowing that she has helped you and so many others by telling her story.

2/13/2015 03:14:53 pm

Michael, that is my sincerest hope as well. Thank you for your message of support!

Donna

2/13/2015 11:16:04 am

My husband and I know USM, as well as her late husband. Their story, like the stories of so many other PTSD veterans, is tragically not listened to where it counts. Those who can make a difference chose not to because they'll have to admit that they've screwed up...BIG! My husband, also a vet with PTSD, knew her husband very well...they shared many hours together, trying to help him work through his tragedy. When we heard the news, he took it very personally and is still very sad over it. There are, and may never be, words to describe the sadness we both have felt...but every time we hear another story of a veteran taking his own life because he was failed, we grieve just as deeply. I commend you Max for your openness, your honesty and your friendship to USM. She needs it more than ever! You too have traveled a long dark road less traveled by many who will never understand, but you have found a light. I hope that USM someday realizes just how many lives she has touched and saved through her words! Best wishes and God Bless you!

2/13/2015 03:19:06 pm

Donna,
Thank you so much for your kind words. It's too easy to feel like you're alone and isolated when contending with PTSD...even when you're surrounded by people that love you. It's a feeling I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy (if I had one). Affirmation does more to keep the feelings of loneliness and isolation at bay. I know your words of affirmation help me and I hope USM finds solace in them as well.

Margaret Watson

2/13/2015 12:30:22 pm

I will be praying for you, you have deeply touched me

2/13/2015 03:22:12 pm

Margaret, thank you for your support. When I'm struggling, I try to remember how my words help others - there a part of the healing process that can only happen when you give of yourself, freely, to help others. If I haven't blogged in a while, people reach out and remind me. If sharing my story even helps one person, then it's been worth it.

Brittany Matthiesen

2/13/2015 01:27:54 pm

You are not alone, Max.

This was a beautiful post.

Continue to push back the darkness.

2/13/2015 03:23:07 pm

Thanks, Brittany! I'm pushing away!!

Poohb3ar

2/13/2015 04:45:29 pm

Thank you for sharing your letter to USM. As the caregiver and wife of a wounded vet, I have meg other caregivers who feel that they are lost underneath the magnitude and bleakness of their vet/sm's injuries/illnesses and often as caregivers, we wonder if our sm/vet can see our pain through their own. Thst you can see her pain, acknowledge it and use her situation as a check point for your own journey is encouraging. It helps me to know that it is possible to see and respond compassionatly to others, even admits ones own pain.

2/13/2015 04:48:32 pm

Sorry bout the oddly placed words...Meg should be "met" and admits should be "amidst"

3/16/2015 02:42:57 pm

Poohb3ar,

Thank you for your kind words - sorry for the delay in responding. I am hopeful that this letter will help other veterans see that they need to make sure they are taking care of their loved ones too.

Sprite

2/14/2015 02:21:15 am

I am a veteran who married a Vietnam Veteran so many years ago. We had little veterans. I am now working to help others because Moms do that. I get my courage from people like you and the others I meet who face the same challenges each and every day. I think being a part of the solution by helping, helps us heal as well. So keep blogging and keep healing.

3/16/2015 02:44:27 pm

Sprite,

Thank you for saying so. When I struggle to stay motivated to write my blog and to keep pushing my non-profit forward, motivational notes from folks like you help to keep me going in the right direction!

Judi

2/14/2015 05:08:28 am

Our family struggles with combat PTSD as well. Just like you, my husband isn't getting worse but he also isn't getting better. Sometimes all I can do is hope that his therapy breaks through to him someday.

3/16/2015 02:46:18 pm

Judi, I am sorry to hear that your husband is struggling like I have. Please keep your hopes up. Don't bottle up your emotions, though. You need to make sure that you take care of yourself too!

Jamie Dement (LadyJai) link

2/16/2015 12:40:11 am

My prayers are with her and her family, you and yours, but I also pray every day for all who are affected by this horrible darkness. I'm dealing with my issues on my blog as well. It seems to be an easy way for a lot of us to get out the demons. <3
Jamie Dement (LadyJai)
<a href=http://caringforaveteran.wordpress.com>Caring for A Veteran</a>

3/16/2015 02:47:33 pm

Jamie,

Thanks for sharing your blog. I will take a look and I definitely agree. Writing is an incredibly healthy outlet for many of us. It doesn't have to be in a blog for it to make a difference, either.

K. Dault link

2/17/2015 07:47:58 am

I'm so sorry to hear of your friend's loss. I may have started visiting your blog to learn, but you're helping me to improve my listening skills...including what isn't said speaks volumes. We all need to pay attention, even to silence. You can do it, Max. Just keep moving forward.

3/16/2015 02:48:59 pm

Thanks for the motivation! You have been reading my blog for a long time and have expressed deep concern when I go too long between posts. Please know that your concern has reached me and been deeply appreciated.

Rev David Boedecker

2/21/2015 11:33:40 pm

God bless you! You're all in our prayers every Sunday and daily in mine

3/16/2015 02:49:42 pm

Thanks Reverend!!

Mauree

2/21/2015 11:48:31 pm

Thank you for having the courage to post this.
You will forever remain in my prayers along with the collective group of thousands of others.
Too many, sadly.
Trying to focus on the positive and continue to bring awareness and resources to help.

3/16/2015 02:50:57 pm

Mauree,

Thank you for your kind words. I'm doing everything in my power to push forward and stay positive.

Skythe

2/21/2015 11:53:06 pm

I hope you find peace

3/16/2015 02:52:16 pm

Me too! In the meantime, one day at a time.

sister of veteran

2/22/2015 01:11:25 am

Stay strong & never give up.

3/16/2015 02:53:02 pm

Thanks for the show of support. It means a lot!

Pam from the "Ville"

2/22/2015 01:43:10 am

Stay strong and keep pushing. I have seen USM do so much damage to good, serving families. Being from the Bragg area, it is all around us. It is my wish for you to find that one person who will walk with you as you continue to push away the darkness. Thank you not only for your service but also your continued sacrifice. May God bless you the remaining days of your purposeful life!

3/16/2015 02:53:57 pm

Pam,

Thanks so much for the support. I keep pushing forward every day.

Glenn Barber

2/22/2015 01:46:47 am

prayers for you Max just remember you are not alone we all suffer our own private hell. It is how we respond to the hell that really matters. I work hard at not taking it out on my wife and family. It's a hard battle but we must not give up.

3/16/2015 02:55:26 pm

Glenn,

I completely agree and I feel you. It's always good to hear that I'm not in this struggle alone. It's way to easy to feel isolated when push back against the darkness.

mary garrett

2/22/2015 02:01:19 am

Thinking about you.

3/16/2015 02:55:57 pm

Thanks, Mary!

CastingGlances

2/22/2015 02:33:16 am

Thank you for this blog Max. Thank you for reaching out to USM for all of us during this horrific time.

I met USM's husband several years ago and saw him briefly a few times a year at fishing events for disabled veterans. I know I only saw him on his better days but I could see small glimpses of the demons every now and then, more so after the car accident.

He was VERY proud of USM for handling his issues, caring for their family and somehow still having the strength to reach out to others. I wish she could have heard his words and seen the gleam in his eye when he spoke of her and the kids. I doubt she heard it enough at home. Do any of us?

USM's blog has helped me become a better friend to the veterans and families in my life by putting words and meaning to what sometimes a vet can only articulate with a grunt or silence.

Max and others, both vets and caregivers, stay strong and remain open. There are more people out here standing with you than you realize, wanting to hold you up when you are weak. If there is anything we can do for USM, let us know.

3/16/2015 02:57:34 pm

Casting Glances,

Thank you so much for this. Beautifully written. I am glad that sharing my struggles has helped you gain insight. Thanks for your continued support!

Rickey Bennett link

2/22/2015 05:06:26 am

These stories of yours and USM resonates with me where I live on a daily basis. I find solace here....

3/16/2015 02:58:21 pm

Rickey,
I am so glad to hear it - that means every blog post I have written has been worth it!

RNB

2/22/2015 06:48:01 am

I've lost far too many to PTSD...Friends, team members and my "chosen" family. Today, I stand with the living survivors...one thing that helps me, is I have taken on the duty to continue their lives through my actions, teachings and how I interact with the public. I've stared death in the eye many times since my missions ended...the difficulty grows daily, but so does my strength.
Remember all that have fallen. Continue their lives through our actions...never let them be forgotten.
If we see our numbers, we see we do not stand alone...thank you for your blogs and offering a way for us all to come together....even if we just watch from a distance.
Blessings

3/16/2015 03:00:38 pm

RNB,

I am glad that you see things this way. I find comfort knowing that my blog is a 'safe haven' and a place for those sharing my struggle to congregate. I hope we continue to stand together in the days to come!

Marcia

2/22/2015 11:29:13 am

Thank you. You have helped many through their struggles. May you find the peace you seek.

3/16/2015 03:01:16 pm

Marcia,

Thank you! I hope some day I can.

Mariateresa link

2/22/2015 06:58:09 pm

Max, We go a long ways back. Remember your honoring at the Playhouse? Yep, tis me again. I moved all the way to Arizona to help out my vet friend who has PTSD and ironically, MY PTSD which is NOT combat related kicked MY ass too. I have the scars to prove it and the long term hospital stay. It is very tough for people with PTSD to cope with life without any recompense for triggers and what they do to us. We can only cope with so much stress before we completely shut down and depression gets the reigns of our minds and bodies. I had to quit school. :( I had to the stress was too much. I am so sad to hear that your family has had that kind of trouble. I often cannot believe how hard it is for others to deal with us, sometimes. I look back and after getting enough rest I can see where maybe I could have behaved differently, but normal everyday stress gets to us with PTSD. Having a job can be something that is a long term source of depression and we can find ourselves drowning in backed up things to do. It can also reduce our ability to have empathy for others or to see, notice or feel their feelings over the screaming emotional chords of our own. In this way, our relationships and our feelings of self suffer enormously. I continue to support the work that you do in bringing light to PTSD. I wish we were FB friends! I'm all the way out in AZ now, loving this beautiful Tucson weather and the mountains. Not loving not having a car and riding my bike, but it's a grownup thing to ride your bike places here. I wish I had been able to read her post. I need to hear her words, to ingest them so that when I get too close to the trap door of suicide again, I will remember. It is so hard, we don't even see how close we are, we get too comfortable to it and stress makes it seem like our only choice is that. Be well, my honorable friend and keep blogging!

3/16/2015 03:03:36 pm

Maria,

I am sorry to hear that you have been struggling as well. Of COURSE I remember you. How could I not? I don't really do much personally on Facebook, but you should still have my email. Drop me a line some time and we can catch up!

Theodore Jones III

2/28/2015 09:38:53 am

I understand the struggles and suffering PTS brings into our lives. I commend you in your efforts and progress. I also admire the sharing of your experiences in open forum as a means of raising awareness of PTS. You are in my prayers. #FrettinforFreedom

3/16/2015 03:05:30 pm

Theodore,

Thank you for your kind words. Everything I try to do here is to raise awareness and to educate on what it REALLY means to be a veteran with PTSD. I am glad to hear it is having that desired effect.

Rickey Bennett

3/1/2015 03:28:43 am

As a combat chaplain I've stared in the face of death and the resulting reprocussions of grieve, fear and anger. The eyes are windows to the soul. "Their" eyes were a conduit to "their" sacred selfs. This gaze encounter has eternally linked us together.

Eleven years has past since my first traumatic combat chaplain ministry experiences and I can still see "their" yes as fresh today as I did then.

Permit me to give you a small glimpse into "their" eyes...

Forgive me...
How's my battle buddies...
Tell ________i love them...
Why...
Loss...
Fear...
Justice...
Revenge...
Peace...

3/16/2015 03:06:33 pm

Rickey,

Sounds about right...thanks for sharing!

HoldingHisHeart

3/7/2015 12:03:50 pm

Hi Max, thank you so very much for sharing your letter to USM. I have been so strengthened in times of stress/overwhelming by reading her posts. I've learned a lot from her in how to "see" my Vet (retired from the Army about a year, PTSD) and help him. And from you. I sent USM an email asking if I could help her - financially - and if she could send me an address. I didn't hear back - but I understand her not wanting to share something like that. Can you help me with this? How I could get a token of help to her and her family? Take care, Max. You have a lot of people who care about you out here - you let us in to your life a little (or a lot) so that you could help us and our Vets - thank you for all of it,,,, Holding

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Living with PTSD:
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