My Biggest Concerns:
- My Inability to hold down a job working for others: What I have discovered after years of cycling through jobs is that there always comes a point where I can't stand working with the people I am forced to work with. Not all of them, just the ones who don't think that my idea of right and wrong apply to them. Therein lies the problem. To me moral and ethical right and wrong are black and white. Most people view ethics as shades of grey. I do not. It has forced me to quit many a job. I finally have a great place to work where the employer is supportive and the same issue crops up. It's not that I can't work, I just don't know if I can work as MUCH. Working as much as I have been wears me out and leaves me an emotional shell by the time I leave to go home. If I was able to not work or only work part-time, I would be more stable and I would be able to work/volunteer to further advocacy for veterans.
- I was diagnosed on active duty: In the past few months it has been brought to my attention that an active duty diagnosis of PTSD is supposed to be an automatic 50% rating at a minimum. I'm at 30%. For this issue, it's more the principle of the thing than the money (although the money would be nice). The Army got rid of me as fast as possible because they didn't want to have to deal with me. They never sent me through the medical retirement process and screwed me. I intend to rectify that oversight.
- Strain on my family: Because of my inability to adequately cope with my PTSD, my family has suffered for it. I can't put them through what we went through last year all over again. I need them to understand this. This is the part of the equations that is the hardest on my psyche.
Well, there it is. I have this momentous day ahead of me tomorrow and somehow I let it completely sneak up on me. I am a mess. Woo. I think I need to go and hide for a little until I get this little freak out moment under control.