It's hard to maintain objectivity when I am writing about this. I hope the message that I am conveying is one of hope. I look for reasons to stay positive every day. Most days I can and some days I can't. I promise I will be honest about how I am feeling, even on the bad days. I may be successfully coping today, but painting a permanently rosy picture isn't in my agenda. My goal is for people to see and understand the effects that PTSD can have on a person.
My deadline for quitting smoking is a week away. I know I can be successful this time. There are a ton of doubters out there. This message is for you: watch me!
One of the major aspects of PTSD that is the hardest to deal with is the catastrophic thinking that makes me focus on the worst possible outcome in any given situation. I have been struggling mightily with this for the past week or so. What's my response to this type of obsessing? To go down into my man-cave and hide from everything and play video games...
Well, I took a step in the right direction tonight. Even though I am having these intrusive worries that won't go away, I resisted the urge to go downstairs. It is a testament to my decision to blog about this. I wanted to write about it rather than wallow in it. I find that sharing what I am going through is cathartic.
Dani and I had a lot of fun making apple sauce and it was really relaxing to do something simple that allowed me to take my mind off of things for a little. When it was said and done, I realized that I am stressed out about advancing in my career. I know I the ability to perform at a higher level. It's just that the competition is so fierce for every advancement at a company like Wegmans. I need to find out where I can gain an edge which will move me upward and onward...
Ok, so last night really sucked. I had nightmares again. I don't know why. They usually hit more often when I am stressed out about something, but I can't figure out what is bothering me. It's a good thing that I have two days off to work this through.
After thinking on it for a whole day, I am still stumped. Maybe I can try doing something to occupy my time when I feel this way. I just haven't figured out what would work. I do like to rug and latch hook. Maybe I should pull out the partially finished rug in the closet...
I wanted to make sure that I knew what was causing me to crave a cigarette. The more a thought about it, the more I realized that the only time I really wanted a cigarette was when I was feeling strong emotions or I was very bored. I think that if I focus on what I am feeling and why, I will be able to avoid having a cigarette when I experience strong emotions. It's the boredom that really worries me. I know that I have been feeling bored a lot recently. I just don't know how to cope with that one. I guess I need to figure that out soon.
I decided that I was going to set a date for quitting smoking for good. That date is February 1st, 2011. It is the first step to finding a new way to cope. I plan on training for a long bike ride this fall, which will help. I know that I will be a miserable mess when I am going through physical withdrawal, but I know I can do it this time!
As I continue my life with PTSD, I will share my challenges and discoveries on this blog.